As moms, we judge ourselves the harshest. We analyze every mistake and hope it doesn’t negatively impact our children forever. When I talk to other moms, I’ve found that feeling is pretty universal. But we can’t make the right choice all of the time. Especially as new or young mothers, we have so much to learn. And even after years of doing this, we still realize there is more to learn.

So stop beating yourself up. Many of us have reached points where we feel like we are not good enough for this job. We think we are not cut out for it, like we are the only mother struggling with guilt, shame, and overwhelm. It can feel so isolating. You may even conclude that you are not a good mom, but I know that is far from the truth. Chances are, you are an overwhelmed mom.

Why motherhood feels so overwhelming now

And this is something I feel we are severely underprepared for. Maybe the women before us did not experience the same level of overwhelm that mothers today face. Years ago, mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, and neighbors all played a part in raising children. That kind of village is not the norm anymore. Many of us are isolated with our babies and children, without someone to talk to when our emotions feel like too much. That is when shame creeps in. We feel like we are not the women we are supposed to be.

But even without that built in village, there are still ways through these hard seasons. I also think it is worth saying that as a millennial, I have noticed we can be quick to cut people off. We tell ourselves we can do everything alone, and we feel shame asking for help. That is not healthy, and it is not normal. This is something I am working on myself, letting people in and not resisting help. People want to show up for you. It makes them feel loved and important too.

You don’t have to do it all

You truly do not have to do it all. We only see small pieces of other people’s lives, and they usually look great because that is what people choose to show. We live in a culture that makes it seem like looking perfect equals success. It is easy to get caught up in that. But every single person you know is struggling in some way, no matter how good their life looks on the outside.

So when you have a newborn, you do not need to cook perfect meals, bake bread, drive your kids to multiple activities, attend every event, entertain your children all day, grow a garden, and keep a spotless home all at the same time. You do not have to do all of that. If something does not feel good to you, let it go. I am not talking about the things that nourish your mind, body, and soul but take effort. I am talking about the extras. Let go of what drains you. Over time, you can slowly add things back in as they feel right.

Getting out of survival mode

Learn to recognize what is worth stressing over and what is not. Our brains often respond to a toddler crying the same way they would respond to real danger. We treat normal, everyday stress like it is life threatening. That is why so many of us feel stuck in survival mode.

But you can get your body and mind out of survival mode. The first and most important thing is sleep. If you are not getting enough sleep, you will stay in survival mode. There are seasons where sleep is broken and limited, and in those times you need more support and a lighter load. But when you can, prioritize rest so you can start your day feeling more refreshed.

Another small but powerful habit is what you tell yourself in stressful moments. Try repeating, this is not an emergency. This is not an emergency. You are teaching your brain to stop treating every stressor like a threat.

I could go much deeper into this, but one more thing that really helped me is cognitive behavioral therapy. I used a self guided workbook I found on Amazon called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks. It was one of the first steps toward becoming a more grounded and calm mom, and I highly recommend it.

Don’t overlook this

Lastly, and most important, never underestimate the power of prayer. Being able to speak to the one who loves us more than anyone, to pour out our hearts without fear of judgment or bad advice, is powerful. Prayer can truly change your life.

Every situation is different

Mom overwhelm can come from many different places. There is no one size fits all solution. Our situations are different, our finances are different, our support systems and our capacity for stress all vary. But I truly believe that the things I shared here can make a meaningful difference in how you feel as a mom.